its only gonna take a little time before we start to lose our minds

I haven’t used this blog since I moved home. So much has changed. Some days I feel like I don’t even know myself, and some days I still like to indulge in old, worn out behavior. Sometimes I think the last eight months have been a terrible waste of time, and I focus on all the nights I spend bawling my eyes out, missing my roommate, my apartment, and sleeping next to Andrew. But during this period of time where I felt mostly lost, I found something truly invaluable, and that is faith. I have always had it, on some level, but to some degree I didn’t truly feel it. More and more, I know there is a higher power (call it God if you like), and that I am protected, loved and guided at every turn. And I won’t go into detail, but I was a self-proclaimed atheist at one point [ignorant of the exact definition, but certainly against the idea of faith]. 

I learn daily that I have the power the shift my thinking, change my focus and be rid of the negative energy that sometimes still presses hard against my heart or wrenches my gut. I accept that I have lived an extremely fear-filled life, and I will continue to struggle with fear, probably forever. However, the faith that I cultivate each day is a counter to the fear. 

I understand more each day the power I possess to live happily. I don’t always choose to, and I don’t always remember the tools I have at hand. But I will say that once you start on this path, you don’t dare turn back. If it took an incredibly terrifying, lonely and dysfunctional childhood to get me here, to an awakened, love-filled state, I would not trade it. 

I am choosing happiness today and asking my higher power to help me manage my reactions to life in the healthiest and most serene way. I just realized that chaos can be around me, and I don’t have to keep recycling it. I can be the calm at the center of the storm. I don’t have to fall apart- I can keep my serenity

I tried to explain this to you last night but I couldn’t relay what I meant because I was sparing your feelings. Because you have decided that you do not want to live with me-for various reasons that I resent and/or think are bullshit (I believe you are afraid of commitment/this relationship “moving too fast”/being like or close to marriage)—-where was I? Oh, because of this decision, I’ve been angry, confused and untrusting of you. The security and hope that I had felt in our relationship diminished. YOU gave me a promise ring and said that one day it would be an engagement ring. YOU told me I was your soulmate. YOU told me you couldn’t live without me. YOU talked of marriage, future, kids. Then you snapped it all back. It hurt so fucking bad. It still does, but I’ve partially accepted it for what it is. You decided living together would be best for the both of us. And I know- we weren’t really behaving like adults, we didn’t know how to make decisions together,  its true. But nothing that has happened is a result of me being forceful, talking you into things, etc. I may have sugarcoated a few things. I may have described things to be better than they turned out but that was due to my expectations. I never trapped you or tried to make you into somethings. As I’ve explained ten times, I’m not trying to force you into any sort of commitment, I’m only going with how I feel about you. And how I feel is that I love you very fucking much, I want to be with you, I think you’re beautiful, I think you make me want to be a better person. Naturally, as these feelings develop, my desires for a future with you become stronger. Which is why I talk about future-y type things. 

And so- out of my confusion, anger, etc, I’ve been reconsidering why I am with you. 

I am tired of writing this. I’ll finish later. 

i often forget how old i am. i call myself 8 a lot, because of have the emotional stability of such. yesterday my cousin asked how old i was and i responded, “thirteen”, before catching myself.

i am 23. 

i wish for a moleskine and some pens

some closer friends

the ability to draw without my hand shaking

a better job i can support myself on

something marvelous to bring me joy and laughter

to not cough ferociously when i wake up

energy to exercise

peace with being alone.